Friday, September 13, 2019

Tek and the Nooky, archived from 8.15.08

Dear Curt,

I just read that Jason Varitek filed for divorced from his wife last month. Do you, or Shonda, have an words of wisdom for our captain?

-John in North CaroSee the source image
Dear John,I was very disappointed with Jason when I read about his impending divorce. Although I'm not going to cite the specific bible passage, I know divorce is frowned upon by the Lord. When two people decide they can't be married anymore, they need to stay married anyway (that's the gist of it). There are a lot of rumors floating around that the Captain has been engaging in some "nooky" with Hazel Mae, Heidi Watney, Erinn Andrews and Tim McCarver. He must have a "thing" for the media. Honestly, I never saw Jason or any other ML ballplayer engage in extra marital affairs....
(Okay, Shonda left the room)
Shoot, if he's really scoring Heidi "The Hiney" Watney, he has every right to leave his wife and three kids. Plus, he hasn't hit anything on the field, he might as well hit what he can off it. Well, now that I said that, I have to go into prayer lock down mode for a month because I feel so guilty. Honestly, when I'm not in the hyperbaric chamber or church I'm tending to Shonda (just buffed a bunyon on her foot) or the kids and would not have time to cheat.
I think Jason is missing me, and my virtuous ways, which is why the Red Sox signed Paul Byrd to fill the void. I see a lot of parallels between Paul and myself.;=mlb

"It's for people in their 20s and 30s that go through similar battles, like with pornography. I've had a real struggle with pornography, from before I became a Christian, when pornography was the good old American way. After I became a Christian, it really began to bother me, but God didn't really take it away. I struggle with porn one night, and somebody asks me a question about Jesus the next day in the outfield, so you feel like a hypocrite trying to share. It's the elephant in the locker room."

Something tells me that Paul will fix Jason's marriage and Tek will be crushing the ball soon under his tutelage. Gotta go, one of the kids has gum in his hair, pair of scissors and Shonda is at the Rec. Center stuffing envelopes for McCain.

-Thanks, C

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