Friday, September 13, 2019

Retire? Curt Doesn't Retire... archive from August 19, 2008

Dear Curt,
Are you going to retire?
-Audrina in The OC

Dear Audrina,

The report of my "retirement" on my other blog is totally untrue. Haven't you noticed my grammar and punctuation have dramatically improved? Shonda mostly writes 38pitches now.

I can safely say I will retire when they pry the yellowed baseball from my cold, dead, surgically repaired hand. Why retire if someone is going to hand me millions to play the game I love? Yes I'm old, can't throw as hard as I used to, am overweight, my legs look like they belong on the body of a chicken, and I love donuts on ice cream...but I can still pitch. In addition, I don't think those are all good enough reasons to quit. Do you really think Shonda is going to stay with me when I "retire"? I think Paul Byrd called her cell yesterday; I saw his number in her call log. She's cooking up these retirement rumors. She's somehow going to end up with Grady Sizemore and my house. It was her dream to marry a ballplayer, not an ex-ballplayer. So if I want an ex-Shonda, I'll be an ex-player.

Great question Audrina. Do you, by chance, know Karen Varitek's #? -C

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