Friday, January 27, 2017

We Have The Best Pipelines

I took a bunch of peyote and a shaman (or a bum) told me the Keystone XL is going to be Yuuge and Amazing. This is true, right? I don't want any ghost spirit curses this weekend. -Skip

Dear Dumbass,
Well how the hell else are we going to move the oil? Of course it will be alright - they are making it out of US steel.
You know, we won the stinking land and the wars against the Indians like 100 years ago or something.  We completely exterminated the race, and all that is left are MID (Mexicans in Disguise) pretending to be Indians.  Then there are some LID's (Liberals in Disguise) Like that disgusting Lezzie Warren.  She's no more Indian than my lily white, and quite large, ass-Curt

Monday, January 23, 2017

The Rigged Inauguration Recount

Dear Curt, Why are reporters writing alternate facts about inaugural weekend? There's no way more women marched than people on inauguration weekend. Firstly, there was no spike in gas station attendants giving directions. Seconds, why are these darn lying women being so nasty? -Boesch

Dear Boesch,

This is conspiracy 101. Who hates Trump even more than lesbians? That's right, Hollywood. The crowds were cgi'd away for the inauguration and then drawn in by the Hollywood liberal elite.  They do it in movies and now on the news. 
Reliable sources? 
1. Breitbart-very truthy
2. Fox News-FAIR and Balanced
3. Donald Trump's twitter feed-trust POTUS he'll never steer you wrong. 

Why trust anyone else? They all have agendas to promote-like free weed and crack in schools. Remember when they made up stuff about the President grabbing pussies? Also:CGI! Do not believe what you see, believe what we report! -Curt

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Legit Pee-Otus

Dear Curt, 
What has John Lewis ever done? -Malcolm, Roxbury

Dear Malcolm,
John Lewis needs to focus more on the problems in his own community. Didn't you hear Trump describe African American neighborhoods as terrible, nightmarish hellscapes where crime never ends and someone is shot ever three seconds?  John Lewis has been in Congress for an awfully long time, why hasn't he fixed these horrifying neighborhoods rather than ignore inaugurations and pick on the Pee-Otus? Who keeps electing people like this when there are candidates like me who are looked at as a long shot? That's why one of my main platforms is, "It can't get much worse, so give me a shot." 

Let's face it, all marriages (100%) now end in divorce, unemployment is at 73% and I haven't had a solid bowel movement in two years.  Soon, our Russian Overlords won't even want to bother to take us over.  North Korea won't want to waste a nuke on us.  Is that really what we want?  Let's fix America and get losers like John Lewis out of office. He may have been bloodied over civil rights, but I was bloodied over RedSoxNation rights. -Curt 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Make America's Team Great Again

A friend asked me if I was going to watch America's team play this weekend. He said they were "great again." Does Trump have a sporting team I don't know about? I also hate whoever they are playing. Newt, Dallas
Yes, in fact the president and the rest of America do have a team. They're called the Cowboys and they're going to the Superbowl. If they don't win it was because Killary leaked the playbook to the Commies, who fed it to Aaron Rogers with cheese.

Donald Trump and the Old Cowboys have a lot in common. They party, whore about and win. This year's team is no different. Dak is their quarterback's name and he stole Tony Romo's job which is okay because that guy is boyband pretty and bangs women hotter than Melania (that's unAmerican, like her).PS. if they get to the Superbowl, Tom Brady will eat their children. -CURT

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Stay Gold Donny Boy

So there's some reports online about President Trump and his ties to Russia. Rather than answer a question, I want to face these allegations head on.
Being peed on by Russian Hookers is very common and is actually a normal skin care regimen in Russia. First off, did you know most moisturizers contain urea? Urea is pee. Also, some Latin ball players pee on their hands to toughen them up. Therefore, pee from Russian hookers makes president Trump's face glow, makes him tough AND he immersed himself in Russian culture so as not to offend anyone. Stop judging different cultures you elitist racists non pee on your face fools and leave our first orange president alone!


Trumpy's Choice

Dear Curt, 
Why is that terrible actress Meryl Streep being so mean to Trump? He didn't chose to be president, the people begged him. He was born to lead. Does she not comprehend how amazing he is? Does she have a disability? -Sophie, Germany

Dear Sophie,
Let's face it, Meryl Streep is another delusional Hollywood liberal, elitist, hypocrite.  She likely gets latte enemas. Also, she's so stupid that she doesn't realize she actually complimented Donald on his acting performance.  I don't think she was wrong that his portrayal of the lying handicap who was mercilessly attacking President Donald in the New York Liberal Times as one of the most powerful performances of the year.  

Let's face it, Donald Trump, aside from being a transcendent leader is also a brilliant businessman, lover of women and now we can add great actor to his resume. I mean, he knocked it out of the park.  It's not a bad thing to have a great actor as the commander in chief. Lest we forget the greatest president ever, Ronald Reagan.  Being able to act however he needs to to adapt to different situations is a huge benefit.  When Tom Hanks or Sean Penn plays a handicap, they get academy awards, but when Donald does it, he gets the scorn of the liberal news media.  What a ridiculous double standard. Burn Hollywood, Burn. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Megyn Kelly Coming to NBC

Dear Curt, 
Since Megyn Kelly and Trump both work for NBC now, will they be using the breakroom at different times? Will he be allowed to grab her ho-ha? What does Anne mean when she says 14! ? -Cliff, Brooklyn

Dear Cliff, 
I won't be answering any questions about Trump until he's president and I'm an ambassador. I just assumed 14 was in reference to HOF'er Jim Rice. I had no idea it has something to do with white supremacy.  I mean, let's face it Yaz was better than Rice even though he didn't have the same physical tools.  So when people tweeted back "88", another apparently racist number, I just assume they were referencing Yaz's #8 as being twice as good as Rice's.  Also, I'll tell you what's racist - keeping Dwight Evans out of the HOF and for that Matter Curt Schilling.  Lesser pitchers are making the hall even though Curt pitched through the bloody sock, the skin cancer, the Shonda Wife - who demanded a lot of Curt's attention and energy.  For instance, before Shonda, Curt spent his Sundays recovering from hangovers, playing video games and nailing obese hookers. After Shonda, no more booze, fun and a lot of time in Church with the church people.  Did Babe Ruth make it to the hall because he was a saint or because he guzzled booze and nailed hookers?  

You decide.


Monday, January 2, 2017

Another Selfish Native Land Grab

Dear Curt, 
How can Hussein use the Antiquities Act to create national parks? We should be building much needed high-end housing developments in crowded Utah. This is Native land and they'd happily let us borrow it. Natives are just taking away lower-middle class jobs and Donald needs to get credit for these. How much land do Natives need? All they do is steal from us. -Constance, Northampton

Dear Constance,
Don't worry about Hussein Obama, his days in office are numbered. All he's doing, the Donald will undo.  Native land is our land.  We beat them fair and square and what we didn't take, we made fair trade for.  Indians have always been after us.  Whether it was stealing our women, attacking John Wayne, turning Marlon Brando into a pussy or by trying to defeat freedom by fighting for land that rightfully belongs to real Americans.  If we can't go through Indian land with our Frackmaster 3000 drills, we may end up poisoning real Americans, and does anyone want to be poisoned?  So the selfish Indians and short sighted Obama are in their last days and very soon we will dip our fracking sticks wherever we need to to keep that black gold flowing.  America is about to change and those bully Indians, and all their long haired, patchouli wearing pansy protestor pals won't be greeted with water cannons, they will be greeted with the real thing when we Maga! -Curt