Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Some Very Fine 'People'

Kurt, How can Trump be a white supremacist if he's so tan? -Kiera, Howell, MI

Kiera,
This is an easy one. Simply:
1. Despite a gorgeous orange glow, Trump is white.
2. Trump is the supreme leader and is superior to everyone

Using that simple logic we know Trump is white and supreme, so he's a white supremacist in the best ways!


Happy to help!


Curt

Thursday, August 10, 2017

North Korea is Likely Full of Liberals


Kurt, Does Trump want to bomb North Korea because liberals live in northern places? Did you know there is a South Korea too? That's confusing...-Deirdre, Dartmouth

Dear Deirdre,
North Korea is like if China did a bunch of coke. South Korea is cool because they aren't Commie pigs. All Commies are like liberals only worse. The more liberal you are, the more likely you are a dirty Communist.  It's a coincidence that North Korea and the Northeast part of the USA are both filled with Commies, Liberals and Feminazis like Elizabeth Warren. She took a pledge to Mao, Stalin and Bernie Sanders to destroy America by being Libtard Commies and providing high taxes so the homeless get mansions and hard working people lose their houses. That's how Democrats are wired.

I am pretty much a geopolitical genius because I used to be able to throw a baseball hard.

Curt

Monday, August 7, 2017

It Takes a Village


Kurt, Does it still take a village?-Mallary, Medford

Dear Mallory,
It could take a village sometimes, but when Donald is running the show it really only takes him. He's better on vacation than most people at work. Who needs media when we have Donald's twitter account? He reaches the people directly! We are living in a blessed time, thanks to Trump who just keeps winning. He's right I'm sick of winning!
-Curt

Monday, April 24, 2017

Joanie Loves Oxy

Curt,
Since Joanie died from drugs (liberal's fault, they love drugs), will Scott Baio be able to devote his time to helping Trump with reelection? -Ralph, WI

Dear Malph,
Joanie's death is like a window into Hollywood. Get famous, get drugs, die in a hotel in Indiana.  Baio got famous, got drugs, GOT JESUS and never goes to Indiana. Chachi, nugent, kid rock...all the biggest, a-listers are firmly behind the Donald.

I am thinking Baio replaces Spicer soon. With his command of the language, all around good looks and that bandana tied around his pant leg, he's making child stars great again.  He's what America needs.

Curt


STONED (1980) Scott Baio and his stoner pal laughing * After School Special *

Monday, April 17, 2017

M.O.A.P. = Mother of All Presidents


Curty,
I'm so glad the President has decided to bomb more foreign places. If he drops a MOAB on CNN, how will anyone find out about it? No one reads fake news anymore. -Chuck, NY

PS, My friend Eli Manning was wondering if you could get him some game-used inauguration hairspray or lip tanner? He will pay!

Dear Chuck,
Dropping a gigantic bomb on terrorists really gets my man juices flowing. Poor Shonda, I've been chasing her around the house telling her I have the mother of all bombs for her due to the inspiration I drew from Trumps STRONG move. Huge bombs and missile attacks sort of do it for me.  

Sure the airfield he hit with 40 million dollars worth of bombs was operational the next day, but the images of the missiles being fired from our ships was AWESOME. Between that and the MOAB being dropped, I don't understand why the liberals are marching about taxes? This is what your taxes pay for: Awesome bombs that kill terrorists and render airfields worthless for 20 or so hours!!

Between the Bombs, Missiles and Drones - I'll be hard for a month!

Eli Manning is a loser, I can get Big Ben's signature for you. I'm kind of a big deal in Steelers nation. I just have to pose as a drunk, nearly passed out girl at a bar to get his attention. -Curt 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Why Is Trump So Insecure?

Why is the President tweeting about Hillary Clinton? Is he insecure? -Rick, Springfield

Randy, 
Insecure? He's the leader of the free world, has perfect hair, a winter tan and a beautiful smile. He is the definition of a winner and the only person who's done better is Tommy Ballgame. If 45 is upset about anything, it's that he doesn't have Tommy's ability to be great instead of just Tweeting at 5 am about why the media is lying that he isn't. He does have Hillrod right where Russians want her though, wandering in the woods with her pedophile hubby

When Trump can score 25 points in 40 seconds while a billion people watch, then he's got it all. Until then, he's just a rich guy who hates everything. -C

Sunday, April 2, 2017

What's Next for 45?

Curt, 
With the president's health care legislation victory and his polling numbers at an all time high, what's next for 45? -Ted, Omaha

Ted,
I am so relieved that some patriotic Americans don't believe the fake news.  We've drastically improved relations with Russia, stopped forcing companies to follow rules and we're all ready to stop abortion and put more guns on the street! We are winning so much that I can't wipe this grin off my face. In fact, my face hurts worse than when Shonda got the bad batch of Botox in her cheek. She looked like Alvin the chipmunk.

Curt

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

President Trump is "Not" a Russian Spy

Curt, 
Is Trump a Russian spy? -Chuck

Chuck,
Even if he is, what's the big deal? We're friends now, after all!  And, I'm pretty sure our government is supposed to be transparent. Is anyone really a spy anymore?  I think that Trump may just wipe out all the intelligence departments of the government. Do we really need the CIA or FBI anymore? We can just wikidump our "confidential" documents. Who are they going to hurt?  Seriously, if Donald hands out the nuclear codes to Russia, is that such a big deal?  What are they going to do, launch an attack at themselves? 
All these liberals are hilarious. The Obamas secretly wiretappe Donald, just like Nixon, and then they cry foul when Trump makes an ally out of an enemy by giving them some "secrets." Aren't they the terrorists and Donald the hero transparent record sharer? I think that decision is clear as day... -Curt

Monday, March 6, 2017

Trumpistan

Dear Curt, 
Has it occurred to anyone that Jeff Sessions met with the Russians to thank them for fighting the Afghans in Rambo III? Why are Democrats so illiterate? -John, front of bus

Dear John,
Sessions and the other members of Team Trump were just doing some work before they were hired. Did they bill the USA for their conversations with the Russians? No.  Don't we want to be talking to the Russians? Are we supposed to pretend they aren't there?  I just don't get what the problem is here. The cabinet members were being proactive and reached out to a country in advance to make sure they could hit the ground running on day 1.

Russia is helping us get all the oil we can out of Syria and they have an awesome method of moving into land they want. I hear Donald has his sights set on Nova Scotia and thinks the Crimea move was a great move. He says he and Vlad may just be playing a live version of RISK, and so he's going to make some moves. Maybe invade Chicago and then when Canada isn't paying attention and we have all the troops up there, we can invade.
Either way, it is Trump's country and his staff should be able to do what they want and need to do in his good name. Whether they do that before, after or during the election doesn't matter!  

XOXOXOXOX from Trumpistan,
Curt

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Milo and Potus

Curty,
With Milo out, can people still download pics of naked men on the Breitbart private server? -Steve, Penn


Dear Steve,
Milo is a great American who liked to rock the boat a little so the liberal left decided to vilify him just because he thinks NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) is cool. 

Where is the liberal outrage over Roman Polanski or Woody Allen?  Is it different because Milo is gay and talks about little boys rather than little girls? (Don't worry, he HATES gays).  I think he also said that he just thought it was cool how older guys sort of help guide and introduce the boys into adulthood, helping them learn to explore their sexuality. Who could be against that?  It's like Big Brothers and Sisters, only with sex being the fun activity they do instead of playing catch or painting. Gays generally don't play catch, despite having pitchers and catchers - I had to have this all explained to me.
Anyway, Milo took one for the team and decided to leave Breitbart, but the content will continue to feel like Milo wrote it.  The hate filled racist, misogynistic and nationalistic tone to Breitbart will not be squelched.  The physical person Milo may not be at Breitbart, but his abject love of hatred continues to inspire us all. -Curt

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Orange is the New Black

Dear Curt,
I was supposed to meet with the Pretty Albino Leadership (PALe) of the Rich Republican Caucus but I haven’t had the time. Curt, can you set up a meeting for me? -Chad, Orange County


Dear Chad,
I might be able to help. First, I'll need the list of the Rich Republican Caucus with the best time to reach them.  Alternate contacts will help too.  Someone needs to fund my run against Lezzie Pocahontas because Shonda says after Amular my days of self funding are done. Seeing that self has no funds, that won't be much of a problem.  

Did you see Donald's press conference and kick ass rallies?  I say if you are good at campaigning, why stop?  He should run against Hillary, Obama and the Media every day so we can see "Optimum Donald" instead of the one who has to make decisions and think hard and say smart things.Curt


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Out Like Flynn

Dear Curt,
How can Trump allow Michael Flynn to resign after he lied about Russia? Trump invented that. If Flynn isn’t stealing from the truth and giving it to the alt-right by re-tweeting fake Hillary news, how will we know what’s really real?

PS. Congrats on inspiring UCONN to 100 with your greatest.  –Ron 
Dear Ron,
Just because Flynny and the Donald love Russia, doesn't make lying about Russia okay. Unless Trump does it, but that's okay because he's the president and you know, secret diplomacy and all that.  Spicey and Kellyanne will keep you informed.You also have Breitbart and the POTUS twitter feed, so there are fair, independent news sources all around us to find the truths.  Trump has an endgame with Russia, I'm just not sure exactly what it is. And that's okay! Why should every move be in the media?  By pretending to like Russia, maybe that gives us a leg up on someone else. (China, Canada?) Anyway - we have to stop the lying media from reporting about the president.  They will expose all his brilliant plans that he keeps to himself so the terrorists don't win.  Hello? What kind of attack is better, the one we advertise for months before it happens or a sneaky, surprise attack that nobody sees coming? I rest my case. 

Women's basketball is like watching JV high school, but Geno has some good guys there at UCONN getting it done day in and day out. I'm not sure which bathroom they use though.
XOXOXOX -Curt 


Friday, February 10, 2017

I Have a Meme


Dear Marty,

E-Lezzybeth Warren should spend more time serving her constituents than quoting famous dead people's wives. What's next Yucko Ono and Courtly Love? Newsflash, nobody cares about that garbage. When famous alive heroes like Dave Duke are enthusiastic about Sessions, so is Curt! McConnell invoked the 32nd amendment that reads: "Bitches need be quiet when the men are speaking," and he stopped that train wreck before she could bore us with more woman speak. Sometimes they open their mouths and all I hear is Charlie Brown's teacher. Go Jeff! -Curt





Thursday, February 2, 2017

Is Australia Even a Real Country?

Curt, 
Is Australia even a real country? -Paul, Scranton

Dear Paul,
I think it's a continent, but all that they have are kangaroos, fosters lager, boomerangs and outback steak. I'm pretty sure our scientists can work on figuring out how to make a Blooming Onion, now that Trump has fixed the environment. I do hear they have nice beaches, so maybe we should clear it out and turn it into a resort island. We could put golf courses and gold buildings there!  Plus, Trump could recycle #maga. See, who says conservatives don't recycle?

G'day Mate! -CurtImage result for australian model

Friday, January 27, 2017

We Have The Best Pipelines

Curt, 
I took a bunch of peyote and a shaman (or a bum) told me the Keystone XL is going to be Yuuge and Amazing. This is true, right? I don't want any ghost spirit curses this weekend. -Skip

Dear Dumbass,
Well how the hell else are we going to move the oil? Of course it will be alright - they are making it out of US steel.
You know, we won the stinking land and the wars against the Indians like 100 years ago or something.  We completely exterminated the race, and all that is left are MID (Mexicans in Disguise) pretending to be Indians.  Then there are some LID's (Liberals in Disguise) Like that disgusting Lezzie Warren.  She's no more Indian than my lily white, and quite large, ass-Curt


Monday, January 23, 2017

The Rigged Inauguration Recount

Dear Curt, Why are reporters writing alternate facts about inaugural weekend? There's no way more women marched than people on inauguration weekend. Firstly, there was no spike in gas station attendants giving directions. Seconds, why are these darn lying women being so nasty? -Boesch

Dear Boesch,

This is conspiracy 101. Who hates Trump even more than lesbians? That's right, Hollywood. The crowds were cgi'd away for the inauguration and then drawn in by the Hollywood liberal elite.  They do it in movies and now on the news. 
Reliable sources? 
1. Breitbart-very truthy
2. Fox News-FAIR and Balanced
3. Donald Trump's twitter feed-trust POTUS he'll never steer you wrong. 

Why trust anyone else? They all have agendas to promote-like free weed and crack in schools. Remember when they made up stuff about the President grabbing pussies? Also:CGI! Do not believe what you see, believe what we report! -Curt

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Legit Pee-Otus

Dear Curt, 
What has John Lewis ever done? -Malcolm, Roxbury

Dear Malcolm,
John Lewis needs to focus more on the problems in his own community. Didn't you hear Trump describe African American neighborhoods as terrible, nightmarish hellscapes where crime never ends and someone is shot ever three seconds?  John Lewis has been in Congress for an awfully long time, why hasn't he fixed these horrifying neighborhoods rather than ignore inaugurations and pick on the Pee-Otus? Who keeps electing people like this when there are candidates like me who are looked at as a long shot? That's why one of my main platforms is, "It can't get much worse, so give me a shot." 

Let's face it, all marriages (100%) now end in divorce, unemployment is at 73% and I haven't had a solid bowel movement in two years.  Soon, our Russian Overlords won't even want to bother to take us over.  North Korea won't want to waste a nuke on us.  Is that really what we want?  Let's fix America and get losers like John Lewis out of office. He may have been bloodied over civil rights, but I was bloodied over RedSoxNation rights. -Curt 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Make America's Team Great Again

Curt, 
A friend asked me if I was going to watch America's team play this weekend. He said they were "great again." Does Trump have a sporting team I don't know about? I also hate whoever they are playing. Newt, Dallas
Newt, 
Yes, in fact the president and the rest of America do have a team. They're called the Cowboys and they're going to the Superbowl. If they don't win it was because Killary leaked the playbook to the Commies, who fed it to Aaron Rogers with cheese.

Donald Trump and the Old Cowboys have a lot in common. They party, whore about and win. This year's team is no different. Dak is their quarterback's name and he stole Tony Romo's job which is okay because that guy is boyband pretty and bangs women hotter than Melania (that's unAmerican, like her).PS. if they get to the Superbowl, Tom Brady will eat their children. -CURT

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Stay Gold Donny Boy

So there's some reports online about President Trump and his ties to Russia. Rather than answer a question, I want to face these allegations head on.
Being peed on by Russian Hookers is very common and is actually a normal skin care regimen in Russia. First off, did you know most moisturizers contain urea? Urea is pee. Also, some Latin ball players pee on their hands to toughen them up. Therefore, pee from Russian hookers makes president Trump's face glow, makes him tough AND he immersed himself in Russian culture so as not to offend anyone. Stop judging different cultures you elitist racists non pee on your face fools and leave our first orange president alone!

Curt

Trumpy's Choice

Dear Curt, 
Why is that terrible actress Meryl Streep being so mean to Trump? He didn't chose to be president, the people begged him. He was born to lead. Does she not comprehend how amazing he is? Does she have a disability? -Sophie, Germany

Dear Sophie,
Let's face it, Meryl Streep is another delusional Hollywood liberal, elitist, hypocrite.  She likely gets latte enemas. Also, she's so stupid that she doesn't realize she actually complimented Donald on his acting performance.  I don't think she was wrong that his portrayal of the lying handicap who was mercilessly attacking President Donald in the New York Liberal Times as one of the most powerful performances of the year.  

Let's face it, Donald Trump, aside from being a transcendent leader is also a brilliant businessman, lover of women and now we can add great actor to his resume. I mean, he knocked it out of the park.  It's not a bad thing to have a great actor as the commander in chief. Lest we forget the greatest president ever, Ronald Reagan.  Being able to act however he needs to to adapt to different situations is a huge benefit.  When Tom Hanks or Sean Penn plays a handicap, they get academy awards, but when Donald does it, he gets the scorn of the liberal news media.  What a ridiculous double standard. Burn Hollywood, Burn. 
Curt

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Megyn Kelly Coming to NBC

Dear Curt, 
Since Megyn Kelly and Trump both work for NBC now, will they be using the breakroom at different times? Will he be allowed to grab her ho-ha? What does Anne mean when she says 14! ? -Cliff, Brooklyn

Dear Cliff, 
I won't be answering any questions about Trump until he's president and I'm an ambassador. I just assumed 14 was in reference to HOF'er Jim Rice. I had no idea it has something to do with white supremacy.  I mean, let's face it Yaz was better than Rice even though he didn't have the same physical tools.  So when people tweeted back "88", another apparently racist number, I just assume they were referencing Yaz's #8 as being twice as good as Rice's.  Also, I'll tell you what's racist - keeping Dwight Evans out of the HOF and for that Matter Curt Schilling.  Lesser pitchers are making the hall even though Curt pitched through the bloody sock, the skin cancer, the Shonda Wife - who demanded a lot of Curt's attention and energy.  For instance, before Shonda, Curt spent his Sundays recovering from hangovers, playing video games and nailing obese hookers. After Shonda, no more booze, fun and a lot of time in Church with the church people.  Did Babe Ruth make it to the hall because he was a saint or because he guzzled booze and nailed hookers?  

You decide.
Curt


14!