Thursday, December 29, 2016

About That Swamp Thing

Dear Curt, 
Newt told a 'reporter' on NPR that Donald will no longer be saying, "Drain the Swamp." I have never heard of NPR, but I assume Newt was talking to them to avoid hard questions from Teen Vogue

Curt, does this mean Donald is no longer going to fulfill this promise? I know for a million $$, I can ask him myself after the inauguration, but I don't have it. I don't even have the $16 it would take to meet you. Can you ask him for me? -Randy, Wooburn

Megyn Kelly is only a 9.5 and cannot
be trusted with the truth.
Dear Randy,
Actually my appearance fee is $15, but I will go ahead and answer your question for free.  NPR is the national communist network that Obama made to falsify the news. You may have heard some stories about fake news? Well NPR (NotPresentingReality) and PBS (ProbablyBullShit) were both found to be 100% false. First of all, I don't trust news from any woman who is less than a 10.  If they are working and aren't a 10, it stinks of nepotism.  Just a helpful guide for all of you - if they aren't eye candy, they are probably not a true journalist. As for draining the swamp, which I am not allowed to say out loud anymore, it was more of a figure of speech than an actual physical draining of a swamp. In fact, how would a creature named Newt even survive in a non-swamp environment?  Donald, like me and Jesus, love all creatures big, small, slimy and green.  If we drain the swamp, those creatures will die and we are not murderers like the Demoncrats who want to pretend the ice caps are melting so scientists get rich off the government. Perhaps if they spent more time on swamp maintenance and less about melting ice cubes, the world would be a better place. Hope this helps debunk the lying, fake media for you. -Curt

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Performance Problems? Frank Stallone is the People's Cialis: Inauguration Update 2017

Donny Loves Chachi
Can you believe the stars that are lining up to play at the inauguration? Frank Stallone is going to kill it!! -Deb

Dear Deb,
We've got Hollywood powerhouses Scott Baio and Frank Stallone (aka the smart Stallone) and legendary musician, hunter and gun enthusiast Ted Nugent. What a lot of people don't know is that Prince, David Bowie and George Michael likely would have agreed to perform had it not been for their untimely deaths.

Like Donald says, it's not about celebrities, it's about the people. The people like the Nooge playing Patriotic songs like Wango Tango. After all Donald has a stranglehold on America's hearts and minds. -Curt 
Sloppy Chachi's

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Awesome Lives Forever, Rest Now Princess

Did Carrie Fisher die because she was going to lose her affordable health care? -Kyrie, Cle

Dear Kyrie,
Carrie Fisher died from exposure to Hollywood. Look, the rapture is coming someday for all of us, but those who live the lifestyles associated with that modern day Saddam and Gonorrhea pretty much have horrible deaths coming to them quickly.  Whether she was acting in those Star War movies or fixing broken scripts or writing bad books, she was definitely living that Hollywood lifestyle. Making it to 60 is a major achievement in that horrific place.  I'm pretty sure most of them die around 30. Or is that just when they stop getting movie roles outside of playing grandmothers or queens? Once they have one wrinkle on their face, they are box office poison. 
Also, pretty sure she could die because George Lucas and his team of Jewish Lawyers figured out how to CGI her in Rogue One Now she can live forever and not in that sick, frozen way like everyone's favorite Tedsicle, Ted Williams. This is a huge relief for me, because I was saving money to freeze my head too.  So far I only have enough for my left ear, so I guess I can liquidate that money and use it to buy ad space for my Senate Run against Pocahontas. I didn't want to be a Curtsicle anyway. RIP to American royalty. We all just got dumber and uglier, and they said we couldn't do it!! USA!! -Curt

Monday, December 26, 2016

I Await Your Urgent Respond

I await your urgent respond
Dear Friend,
It’s my urgent need For a foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction.I am Kevin Taylor working with Abu Dhabi Commercial Bank here in Abu Dhabi (U.A.E) I write to contact you over a very important business transaction which will be of our interest and benefit to our both families.
In 2007,one Mr. Weimin, whose surname is same as yours and has your country in his file as his place of origin made a fixed deposit for 36 months, valued at $26,700,000.00 with my bank. I was his account officer before I rose to the position of Manager- Retail Consumer Operations . The maturity date for this deposit contract was 27th of September 2010.Sadly Mr.Weimin was among the death victims in the September 2009 earthquake in Indonesia that left over 1,200 people dead while he was there on business trip.
Since the last quarter of 2010 until today, the management of my bank have been finding means to reach him so as ascertain if he will roll over the Deposit or have the contract sum withdrawn. When I discovered that this will happen, I have tried to think up a procedure to preserve this fund and use the proceeds for business. Some directors here have been trying to find out from me the information about this account and the owner, but I have kept it closed because, I know that if they become aware that Mr Weimin is late, they will divert the funds for themselves. Therefore, am seeking your co-operation to present you as the one to benefit from his fund at his death since you have the same name, so that my bank head quarters will pay the funds to you. I have done enough inside bank arrangement and you only have to put in your details into the information network in the bank computers and reflect you as his next of kin.
If you concur with this proposal, I intend for you to retain 50% of the funds while 50% shall be for me. Kindly forward your response to me immediately through email below:
If you are interested I will like you to ask your question through my email because I can't be able to reply in the site immediately.
Mr. Kevin Taylor Abu Dhabi Commercial Bank , UAE.
Dear Mr. Kevin Taylor, 
With 13 million, I could make half of Amular2. I'd love to help you, but would require that you invest at least an additional 13 million USD to fulfill my gaming needs. This would also mean I wouldn't need to be a senator in order to obtain vast wealth.  Please seriously consider my generous counter offer. Together, we can change the world for the better.

Eagerly awaiting your reply, Curt

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Merry Trumpmas

Dear Curt, I was Christmas shopping at the dollar store today and the clerk told me 'Happy Holidays.' I was so mad I spray painted a swastika on the store window, went home and prayed. Curt did I do the right thing? -Missy, Malden

Missy, The only thing you did wrong was pray. The war on Christmas is real and you are just another casualty. Prayer only takes God's time away from giving the rich stock tips. 
There are 7 billion people in the world and 'most' of them are God loving Christians. You shouldn't be afraid to tell people they have no right to respect diversity on Christmas. It could be Hannuka everyday for all I care, Christmas is about Jesus, getting stuff and watching Die Hard. Luckily, we have a savior alive and well today and he's going to do everything in his power to put this PC stuff to bed, Lauren Duca be damned. -Curt

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Is Kellyanne Conway Really Alive?

Dear Curt, 
When did Kellyanne Conway die? -Gustave, Paris

We, at Dear Curt, never judge a woman's work ethic or purity of character by her appearance. All women are people and beautiful in their own way. Some are just more than others and give back by appearing in pageants. Just ask my wife: her job is to cook, clean, beat away Rhode Island debt collectors and rub Curt's sore gaming hands. A woman is most beautiful when she is doing a job very well, like getting a saggy chinned reality star elected to lead the free world when even the polling numbers out of the Economist said he'd lose by 47 states. Now that's woman's work.

That being said, I can only guess Kellyanne took too much arsenic and went 'Madame Ovary' the day Donald said pussy grabbing sexual assault was cool and just locker room talk. She's not dead, she just looks pale next to the regal orange glow of DJT. She'll tan up after few weeks of tweets like this. Merry Kisses. -Curt

Monday, December 19, 2016

((Horton)) Hears a Jew

Dear Curt, With the tapping of David Friedman as Ambassador to Israel, Mr. Trump is telling America and the rest of the GOP he stands with Israel. Mr Friedman seems like a great choice and it's lucky he's a bankruptcy lawyer who's friends with President "Elect." Curt, can we return the Palestinians to ISIS (and make them pay the postage)? -Victor, Boston

Dear Victor,David Friedman is a perfect choice to be the ambassador to Israel and here's why: He's Jewish. Jewish people will know more about Jewish stuff than non-Jewish people will. (Why do I even have to type it?) Of course he's "hostile to a two state blah blah blah" because as we all know Palestinians are terrorist Muslims, and their state is ISIS. Or radical Islamists or anything else Obama refuses to say about these hate spewers. Of course Hussein Obama did nothing to help the people of Israel, he's a foreign, Muslim dictator.  

The fact that Friedman is a bankruptcy lawyer is deceiving because most people are not aware that just by being born Jewish you are automatically a bankruptcy lawyer. A lot of Jews end up doing other things (Doctor), but all of them can calculate numbers and figure out ways to not pay taxes. It's sort of in their DNA. 

Soon, real Americans will be in charge of America and real life  Jewish people will be reporting on real world Jewish issues in Israel. And Palestinians will either follow Jewish rule or they will be building a wall that they have to stand behind forever.
Happy Hahn-u-kha! -Curt
ppls: Congrats on 200+ something in the 'election.' You already make an excellent king.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Rick Perry and the UnGreen Mile

With Rick Perry in charge of the Dept. of Energy, will he divert more current to electric chairs in Texas prisons? -Tom, Austin

Dear Tim,
I am pretty sure Rick knows more about diverting electricity to chairs better than anyone anywhere. Old, young, mentally disabled... never mattered to Rick. You  ever rob a gum ball machine? Well not in Texas since RP juiced an 11 year old orphan. See: Tough on crime. If you kill the criminals, guess what? The crime stops. Plus he learned from dear friend W. He was in Lt. Governor before W saved the Country as President. Both share a keen intellect, excellent judgment and we're cheerleaders in College.

Go team America! RP is going to energize the hell out of us! Excited! -Curt

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Red Don

Dear Curt,
Curt, The Russians are not coming, they came. 1st when they invaded in the 80s and Swayze/Sheen saved us and then this summer. They stopped Hillary from winning. Donald should give them the Olympics back. Shouldn't we be thanking them? -Boris, St. Petersberg(FL)

Dear Boris,
Putin is a superstar. He's pretty much been president since Stain Head left and singlehandedly ended communism. I guess Reagan gets an assist.

History fact: Sheen/Swayze defeated the brown commies from Mexico.

We can learn some lessons from those Ruskies. Unlike the oil blocking Natives getting free government showers in "Whichever Dakota", Vlad sees what he wants and he takes it.  I mean, aside from the colored Easter egg industry, what else does The Ukraine really have? (Young hookers too).
So let's open the door to diplomacy with the Russians and welcome Vlad with open arms. -Curt

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Racist Hillary Tagging Trump

Dear Curt,
Someone has been writing "Trump" and "KKK" around underprivileged neighborhoods, trying to inform those people who won the election. I think because they may not know. The poor don't have access to Reddit and other reliable news sources like this website.

Liberals hate this public service. They are accusing great USA white people of "racism." However, I have done some graphology science on a sample of the graffiti and found some VERY interesting evidence. KKKurt, pls see the attached pic. Am I right? -Truth Seeker, NY

Dear Truth Seeker,
I have Alex Jones putting his best people on this. Just because The Republican Agenda has traditionally ignored, isolated and marginalized the inner cities, it doesn't mean they are racists. Look, people choose to be poor and if you want to be poor you have to pay a price.  It doesn't surprise me that lying, crooked Hillary is spreading hate. We know she's murdered hundreds, rigged elections, tortured mistresses and ridiculed Harambe
Your indisputable evidence makes you an exposer of truth and a real patriot. Soldier on, hero.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

John Glenn Voted for Trump

Curt, Did John Glenn vote for Trump? -Tim, Houston

Jim, It's probably not appropriate to talk about it today, because RIP to a great American hero, he's dead. However, because he was a white man, and a registered Democrat, I'm almost sure he might have (so yes).  As Trump's Masschseets voice, I must express my condolences to humanity, for we lost a good one today. Trump might be a Time Person of the Year (rigged) but Senator Glenn was a Human for all Time and he will be missed. I must go condole Shonda now; housework is the best medicine. -C

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Clinton Never Stood Up To China

Dear Curt,
If Trump decides to order up a Chinese war, will it be delivered or can we go and pick it up? I don't wanna pay no tariff or tip.  I know there are a lot of them people but they are small.

This all has to do with Killary using innocent children as pizza toppings, right? She forced the Chinese to embarrass President Trump and he's just defending us with his phone. 

I know this is true because even GOD says fake news is wrong. -Donna, Lemonska 

Dear Donna,
Now Curt is hungry!  But not hungry for little boys like Jon "The Molesta" Podesta.  Yeah once little Jimmy hits 12, Podesta's Pizza Porn Palace turns him into spicy sausage.

Have you ever heard of divide and conquer? By hitting Taiwan up, Trump is driving a wedge in China's massive country. Trump knows that to make America Great Again: It should be much bigger than China. When he declares me the Prince of Massachusetts, I plan on invading New England and the tri-state area.  I can't wait to nuke Rhode Island and turn it into a giant beach for my colony!  They will pay (again) for the *Amular disgrace.
*Idea: Name my colony Amular! -Curt

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Who Will America Nuke First?

After Goldman Sachs gives the okay, who will Trump nuke first? -Excited in Tampa

Dear Excited,
Well, it was looking like Iran, or Iraq (does it really matter which?) but since he's already moved us to DEFCON 4 by humiliating the Chinese, *Curt's money is on China.
Plus, you get more kills per bomb given how many Chinamen there are over there. The gum ball machine mini toy market will take a hit, but we'll barely notice other than that. -Curt

*Curt has no actual money due to Amular.
Watch our friend Lloyd Blankfein at the 2:15 mark; anything but perfection is just subprime. The American Middle Class thanks you Goldman Sachs for all your help loaning us a #maga depression in 2009. DJT will do whatever you say.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Rachel Maddow Hates America

Dear Curt,
Did you happen to see Rachel Maddow viciously attack you on her communist news show last night-Connie in Scituate

Dear Connie,
Unless I am looking for the latest trends in lesbian, liberal lies, why would I watch that steaming pile of crap that MSNBC trouts out every night.  First off, does that broad own another blazer? She wears the same damned thing every day.  Rachel, you're a woman, show some cleavage once in a while and let that buzz cut grow out a little. Secondly, her show is downright un-American.  Now that her one true love, Fidel Castro has passed away, where will she look for pleasure. Oh wait, I know, the old lesbian in the cupboard, Lezzie Warren.  Sure she's not out of the closet - but come on - the liberal values, the short hair, the being from Massachusetts...Total dyke. 
So no, I didn't watch that trash, Curt watched Hannity on one screen and Alex Jones on the other, as I browsed Breitbart and Drudge on my laptop - like a real American does. -Curt   

Thursday, December 1, 2016

((Rudolph)) is a Wussy Liberal

Isn't Rudolph just a soft LIBERAL? Who blames their nose for all their problems? ((Jews))? -Kris, Germany

All people of differing abilities are welcome in Trump's America. However, those without perfect hair, skin and teeth (we'll call them Melanian) should be identified and registered. They may even need to be temporarily displaced for a few new Trump hotels and golf resorts, luckily America has a robust train industry and everyone loves camping or ((camps)). 

As for Rudolph, yes he is a giant wussy liberal. He needs to learn how to play games with the other deers or do whatever the fu(k Santa says because, Santa, like Jesus and the GOP, sees and understands the common American. We've all been in Rudolf's position and had to fit in. Sure he could be an individual but that's pussy bull. Looking and sounding perfect is the new reindeer game, or risk be laughed at and called names by the Donald. I love America!

Just look at these two great populists getting their hands dirty trying to solve the problems of regular working class Americans. God Bless them.

*Footnote, according to my well-informed sources in the Reddit community, Sam the Snowman named names to the HUAC, like a good red-blooded American. Thank you for the heads-up masinmancy!